A creamy lace topped stocking
yellowed with age,
hangs limply over the shoe rack,
fallen into disuse.
Wedding day stockings
never lived a single day of life
that they were fashioned for.
I don't have the strength to
throw them out.
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Wedding day stockings,
lace-topped and yellowed with age
hang limply over the shoe rack.
Worn once, but never used.
I don't have the strength to
throw them out.
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I really think the imagery in this poem is pretty concise. I will say I like the first draft better than the revision, but it's nice to see you're working on it. Your titles are the things that need the most work. My suggestion is to make the first line of the poem the title and then just slam the audience with color imagery. Perhaps jump right into your imagery(the strongest aspect of this poem right now), and make the title the subject of the poem.
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Your poems are great. Some word choice and finality would be nice. The titles, I believe too, subvert the cool delivery of your work. Any poem reworked and being worked into its new form is a marvel.
If short pieces is where you're going to stay, perhaps try writing three in a day and see what fosters. Please keep posting 'em in the cauldron. So far you're already in the library as far as I'm free to be opinionated. Be well.
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Last Edit: 2010/01/06 09:21 By Code Blue.
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