Eyes half open
staring at the ceiling, a spotlight
oscillating.
Skin cracked and dry on fingers
struggling to tear open
cellophane wrappers,
cracker fed to her as she slowly bites down
and breaks it in half.
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Solid... there's a story here peeking through the edges. Excellent rendering of a moment in time, one that conveys a sense of utter dependence and helplessness in the simple act of opening a cracker.
It's pure. It's like I'm there. What's really neat about this piece is that you, the writer, are almost completely invisible - a rare trait that allows you to imprint the subconscious of the reader for a exceptionally deep level of communication.
I'd like to see more of your work - on a personal level as a writer, I feel that you have elements of craft at play here that I could really learn from (as I have damn hard time driving the ego out of my work), and looking at it as just a reader, it's captivating and slightly addictive - I've actually read it like 10 times while writing this. More please?
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I think this poem needs a title and a chosen final edit.
A tighter poem might work itself more easily read, perhaps with line breaks, or maybe some choice about capitalization of Eyes & Skin --- would a stanza break there still pick up all that action? I think the action might benefit.
Only the writer knows.
This one's so close and good to read; how you have punctuated is right on, plus the images you've lent to great action: I'd say you're almost a title shy of a great poem.
There could be a major bump to the last three stanzas if the first three are just as tight. Is it really the ceiling fan you want us to see? Sounds alright to me with how you've managed to write this without even a title.
I'd like to see more edits, but especially I'd like to see more of your work.
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Eyes half open
staring at the ceiling, a spotlight
oscillating.
Skin cracked and dry on fingers
struggling to tear open
cellophane wrappers,
cracker fed to her, she slowly bites down
and breaks it in half.
Logged
The administrator has disabled public write access.
